Chances are that a quick scroll through TikTok has likely landed you on one of Eli Rallo's videos. Whether she's filming herself filling up massive jars with a *chef's kiss* mélange of sweet and savory treats (an ode to her former username on the app, @thejarr); extensively discussing astrology (she has *tons* of Cancer placements, in case you were wondering); or taking us through her “author era” and journey to writing her book, I Didn't Know I Needed This, Eli's charismatic personality and ability to relate with her community shines though, leaving her with a legion of followers and fans—myself included—eagerly awaiting her latest project.
Though we'll still have to wait some time for her collection of personal essays to be released on December 12, 2023, publisher Harvest (an imprint of HarperCollins) gave us a sneak peek on what to expect to tide us over:
From TikTok star Eli Rallo, an irreverent, laugh-out-loud funny, and searingly honest take on modern dating and romance with tips, tricks, and survival-guide style rules.
I Didn’t Know I Needed This is the dose of confidence every girl needs to live their life on their own terms. Eli Rallo is a social media superstar, a Carrie Bradshaw for the TikTok age, a true romantic at heart, and the best friend every young woman wishes she had. As someone who prides herself in feeling fully and deeply, Eli is on the ride with you, kissing the frogs, sending (and deleting) the risky DMs, climbing down frat house gutters, making the friends you’ll have for life, all while finding love and falling in love with yourself and learning that everything will be alright. In this earnest and vulnerable look at what it’s really like to date as a young woman in the modern world of dating apps, rotating rosters, and social media snafus, Eli gives her rules for each stage of the game—tried and true tricks of the trade.
I Didn't Know I Needed This follows the natural lifecycle of dating, starting with being single, flirting, and navigating the apps to going on dates, having sex, falling in love, and managing relationships, to finally dealing with heartbreak, finding closure, prioritizing your friends, and honoring your life. Discover the rules that have worked for her, and garnered her more than a half million TikTok followers:
- prep for a first date like an athlete before a big game
- try a person out in different settings before committing to them
- plan the second date while you’re out on the first
- find your perfect “eff me sweater”
- flirt with your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together
- give yourself a set mourning period to wallow after a breakup, and then stick to it
- always (always!) communicate your needs, wants, desires, and boundaries
- find little ways to love your life and treat yourself
With touching stories of her own adventures and mishaps, Eli helps you navigate dating in a way that’s frank, honest, funny, and relatable, giving the advice that you didn’t even know you needed.
And in the event that this iconic book description immediately made you want to buy it, you'll be happy to hear that I Didn't Know I Needed This is officially available for pre-order. Plus, even more exciting news: Cosmopolitan has the first big glimpse at the project—including its cover reveal, which you can check out above!—, which culls major inspo from a certain nostalgic holiday candy...but more on that in our exclusive interview with Eli below.
The book cover is literally incredible! I'm sure your fans and followers are also equally excited to see it. What was the inspiration behind it? Did you mood board, Pinterest, manifest?
So it's actually an amalgamation of a bunch of different things. We definitely had a Pinterest board—that was step one. And I made that around the time that I finished the book. We had so many different rounds of edits where we looked at different covers.
I'm eventually going to be able to show everybody kind of the background of the process and some of the covers that we didn't choose. But eventually we started to think about what the book is really about. We realized that there's this theme throughout the whole thing that when you have your heart broken or you feel really lonely and lost, you think that you've also lost yourself, but it's sort of impossible to lose yourself because you're all you really have. Regaining control of your own life and taking the reins in that way is so empowering.
We really liked the imagery of broken candy hearts and thought that it was really fun and flirty and cute, but having just a broken candy heart didn't really get the message across that you are a whole person on your own and you're not ever searching for a missing piece or your better half because anybody that comes into your life is an addition. So we really liked the idea of putting all of the broken candy hearts into sort of a formed heart that's not broken.
But it was so funny because there were so many iterations before that, and the color scheme has stayed consistent the entire time. And I absolutely adore it. I'm so excited. I feel like I'm buying so many clothes and the colors and everything. I'm in love with the cover, and I hope everybody likes it as much as I do.
I'm sure they will! I loved it. I even thought back to when I used to just go to Barnes & Noble when I was younger and had the idea that I would 100% pick this book up today.
I'm honored.
So now for the actual book itself: How did that project come about? Do you feel as though it was just kind of a natural progression for you since you were already giving tons of advice on your social media?
I think it's so interesting because I've always been so confident that I was going to be an author since I was a little kid. I would present my parents with books that I wrote in my journals and whatnot on the weekends when I was nine, ten years old. I always knew that was the path. But it's such an interesting industry, publishing, and being young; I never really knew how I was going to get there. And I remember one day when I was working my journalism job after grad school, I was like, “I really want to have a creative outlet.” And I'm writing this advice on Instagram stories and it kind of feels like I'm writing creatively, but it's not as dedicated as I wish. And so I made a Substack blog and it gained a lot of following and a lot of eyes were on it.
One day, my literary agents reached out to me because they had seen the advice I was giving online. They had seen my rules lists on TikTok, and they had seen my personal essays on the Substack and they were like, “We have an idea for a book.” It was really special because the journey to getting to this destination was not the way that I ever thought it would be, but I think that's the most beautiful part. We kind of crafted the idea for this book together—the three of us. I met with them and I immediately just felt like we all had the same goals and intentions and we really understood each other. Once they presented a rough idea of what they were thinking, I got really excited and inspired, and all of a sudden it was all hands on deck.
When we put together the proposal and I started writing, it felt so natural, which is insane because just weeks, if not months, before, my idea of what book I was going to write was maybe going to be fiction. I always knew that personal essays were my strength, but it just never truly occurred to me. And it was such serendipity to have them reach out and then kind of have this meeting where all of a sudden it was like, This is the missing piece to the puzzle. This is going to be a perfect fit. And we went from there and it was a really fast, quick process from writing the proposal to selling the book and then writing it. But it all felt strangely the most comfortable and right ever, even though it was absolute chaos at the same time with how fast everything moved.
Yeah, I love that. And I feel like there's been just so much hype around the book because you've also been teasing its release for a while with all of your followers. What has the reception been like for you just hearing feedback and just people's excitement about it?
It's really surreal. Someone asked me recently, “What was the coolest thing that you've gotten to do since you started doing TikTok?” And the first thing that comes to mind is that I get to meet people every single day who follow along with my life and support me and who are part of my community because I don't feel like they're followers in any way. When I'm on my walks in New York City or out to dinner or wherever I am, I get to meet these people and hear a little bit about their lives and their stories, which is just so intimate and special. It makes me even more excited and probably a little nervous as well, just so many eyes on it.
But to be honest, I've gotten a lot of feedback about how great my social media coverage was while I was writing and taking everyone on the process. And the reason that I decided to bring everyone on the journey with me was kind of to kill two birds with one stone. I was like, “How am I going to focus 100% of my energy on this book and also not abandon my community?”
It ended up being this marketing sort of angle that I didn't even intend. It was more so the matter being that my community knows everything about my life and I'm so lucky when I get to learn about their lives, so I'll just keep up with that. It turned into this thing of we're all doing it together. When I think about the book being published, I think about it as our book. That's what's so special is that it's my book and I wrote it and it's my debut and I'm going to be an author, but it's our book. They were a part of every single minute of it. Originally, I was like, I can't imagine doing this with all these eyes on me and on the project. But now, I'm like, I can't imagine not have having them involved.
What do you feel like people are going to take away from this project that you're putting out into the world?
What I think I really want them to take away is something different than I think they believe they'll take away. I think a lot of people think, “I'm going to take away dating advice.” And that's 100% true. There's relationship tips and tricks in the book, but what I really think people are going to take away is how they can elevate their lived experience in some way. It doesn't need to be expensive or costly. It doesn't even need to be a ton of time poured into it. It's just about looking at your life as something you can honor every single day when you get up in the morning and the little ways that you can do that while you're loving others, while you're learning to love yourself, while you're learning to love the life that you've been given. That's a really beautiful thing about the book—that there's so much to be discovered through it.
Do you have a favorite portion of your book? It kind of tackles a lot of different phases of a relationship.
The last chapter is my favorite. I think I just sobbed through writing the whole thing and it's rules for honoring your life. That one's just so special to me and it felt like such a monumentous thing to finish. But something that my agents said is that they love the way that I wrote about my friends. There's like a friend love chapter and something that I've realized sort of in the last few years is that romantic love is in no way superior to any other kind of love that exists, whether it's platonic love, familial love, or love you have for yourself. They're all different forms of love, but they're equally weighted. I feel like I could sustain myself on female friendship for the rest of my life. It's so important to me. I can't wait for my friends to read it. Obviously, I'm a little nervous, but they absolutely carried me to where I am today, and I couldn't have done it without them.
Did you happen to have a peak and a pit when it came to writing the book? It's such a big labor of love and there are all these amazing moments, but I'm sure that there were also less glamorous times.
I think a peak would be just those breakthroughs when I had either writer's block—which, I use the term lightly because I don't think I was ever blocked for any period. But there were definitely chapters that were harder to write than others. Having those breakthrough moments, especially when I was writing about heartbreak, was something really interesting because I'm so departed from the relationships that are mentioned in the book. I've been in an incredibly healthy, loving relationship for over two years. But I think what I was mourning when I was writing those chapters was the person I was when I was experiencing the heartbreak and not the people who I was heartbroken over. I was really grateful that younger me wrote everything down as I was experiencing it. I wrote a million poems and memories down in my notes, and I was able to go back into those archives.
I would say the biggest pit was something that I've struggled with my entire writing life, which is killing your darlings. I write long, and I was told when I started to get it all out there because they would rather have everything and have to cut than be mining for more. I definitely put it all out there, which was incredibly cathartic. But we had to make some cuts, whether it was chapters or portions.
We have so many extra chapters and pieces that will either be used in future books or for incentives for pre-order. I think that everything has a silver lining and what the book shaped up to be now is the best possible version of it.
Is there anything that you learned about yourself while writing the book, whether it was professionally as a writer or something that's more personal?
That's a really good question. I think before I wrote this book, I thought I knew what imposter syndrome was. People have different definitions, but I thought when I went to Columbia for grad school that I felt imposter syndrome during moments where I was like, “Oh, everybody is so smart and I don't feel like I deserve to be here and I'm anxious.” But my brain could register that I was at Columbia, that I had been accepted; my brain and my soul was able to register, “Okay, we're here and we're doing this and we're going to get this degree.” But when I got my book deal and I sat down to write the book, it felt like for the first few weeks and even maybe the first few months, that my brain was not registering that this was happening. I think the reason is this has been my dream since I was three years old.
I remember talking to my therapist about it, and she was like, “Well, we don't have a lot of time so we're going to work on that, but right now you just need to sit down and write and convince yourself that this is happening.” It was really interesting to manage that, and obviously it's such a privilege and I was so grateful.
On a more professional level, I always had this image in my brain of what it looks like to be a writer and to write a book. Everybody has a different way of going about it and has a different process. I've been so lucky to come into this community of professional authors and speak to so many writers who I both admire or I'm friends with.
What is some advice that you would have for someone who just wants to take the leap and write a book?
The number one thing is that you just have to start. I did the proposal before I wrote it because that's usually how the process goes for non-fiction. Whereas with fiction, you have to write the whole manuscript before you sell the book. And a lot of times, taking the leap to sit down and begin either of those things is tremendously scary. It's going to feel so weird, and you're going to be like, “Why am I even doing this?” But you need to do it because you have something to say, and you have to let out that fire and that passion inside of you.
The second thing I would say is find ways to hold yourself accountable. I had calendars printed out of every month for the six months of the writing process and I wrote what I was going to do every single day. A lot of people like to do word count limits; I worked in chapters. I didn't follow it exactly—I had to follow my impulses and what was inspiring me, but it was just a way for personal accountability.
What are three words that you would use to describe your book?
I would say vulnerable would be number one. I think a lot of questions and topics are brought up that 3, 4, 5 years ago, I never would've even said out loud, let alone put on paper in ink forever.
I would say inspired or inspiring because I hope that something in the book inspires just one person to claim their own lives in a new or different way than they had before.
And then I would say funny—like comedic. I think I'm really good at making fun of myself, and a lot of the things that I talk about are a little embarrassing or silly or just funny. And I try to keep it lighthearted because there are a lot of parts of the books that are sad or kind of really honest and more difficult than other parts.
I know you're also the biggest astrology girly, so if you had to pick your book's sun, moon, and rising, what would it be?
The sun is Sagittarius, and it also is a Sagittarius with the publication date (December 12). Originally, we were thinking Capricorn dates, and before that, even Libra dates.
I would say the moon is in Cancer along with me. I just think that there's a lot of really warm, syrupy prose that run throughout it that give me that very internal emotional Cancer moon vibe.
And then I would say the rising is Aquarius. I think she presents as fun and funky and confident and outrageous, and I think flirty is definitely a term that we love to use when we talk about this book. Those three come together really nicely. And it also gives fire sign, air sign, and water sign energy, which I think shows because the book is really dynamic.
On to the topic of this pre-order launch party. I think it's so amazing that you literally just took to social media and were like, "Who wants to come?" It's really a testament to how close you are with this community that you've built. How did that decision come to be? Was that always just how you saw it being? Was it something you thought about for a while?
Honestly, I was thinking a lot about how I wanted to market the book, especially with content creators in mind. Because being one myself, I think it's unique that I get to be on both sides of the coin where a lot of authors are talking about how we are going to send PR out to these content creators. As someone that receives a lot of PR, I get to say, “I know what works.” I was thinking a lot about it. Content creators get PR box after PR box. Some content creators—and no shame to them— let their PR boxes stack up all month, and then they open them all at the same time. Other creators will only open boxes if they see the label and they know who it's from; otherwise, they let them sit.
So I thought to myself, what's a way that we can make this a fun celebration where we celebrate it in a different way. I wanted to find a way for my community to be a part of it, so I landed on doing a giveaway to invite some of my followers to the party because I just can't imagine celebrating this milestone without them in mind and without them there.
Obviously, all of my content creator friends will be in attendance with writers and press and my family and all that good stuff. But I also wanted some of my community there. Overall, I wanted to just make it known that this is super important to me and really special, and I would just love to celebrate that and get the word out. I'm actually going to announce the little giveaway today when this piece goes out when the pre-order news goes out, and I think it's going to end up being really fun.
That's so exciting. Have you thought about whether you'll be coming out with rules for the perfect pre-order launch party?
I think I have to! How could you not? I mean, I've already got my outfit together. I'm asking people to wear the color scheme of the book cover. So I think there are already rules in place. I think it would be crazy for me to not do that.
Is there anything else you want to tell readers and fans at all?
Just thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I'm so excited, and I truly just hope that some part of the book—whether it's a chapter or a page or a line—inspires you to just choose yourself in some way or view your life a little bit differently or just feel a little bit better about yourself. And I'm so excited to just have this come out and be in the world.
Eli's Starter Pack
Cowboy Boots (From Allen’s Boots in Austin)
Vintage Designer Scarf for the Hair from The RealReal (Pink, Obvi)
A Bottle of Champagne (Pref. Dom Perignon Lady Gaga Rosé)
I Didn't Know I Needed This, by Eli Rallo will be released on December 12, 2023. To preorder the book, click on the retailer of your choice:
Amazon Audible Barnes & Noble Books-A-Million Bookshop Indie Bound Kobo Libro.fm Walmart Hudson Booksellers Powell's Google Play Ebooks.com
